|When I first started having sex I was naive... very
naive. I knew little about my body and the way it reacted
to sexual arousal - I didn't even realize what my orgasms
were! And i didn't know half as much about my
menstruation/ovulation cycles as I thought I did. I
thought the most fertile, and thus most dangerous time
when it came to getting pregnant, was just before my
period, not the week or so afterwards. So keeping this in
mind, I didn't think I would be at any great risk of
getting pregnant when my lover and I started having
unprotected sex (due to our somewhat unsatisfying
experience with condoms). I fell pregnant six days after
I lost my virginity.
Of course, we didn't just forget about birth control... we used the withdrawal method for a while.. and I went and got a prescription for the pill. And, at the time that I thought I was supposed to be ovulating (I wasn't, of course..) I went and got the Morning After Pill. It was when my period was a couple of days late that we started to get worried. I was sure that there was no way I could be pregnant. I was in total denial about the whole thing, and I hoped fervently that our risky methods of birth control was enough to keep me from it.
I came home from university one day and my lover had bought a home pregnancy test. We sat down and read the instructions, and then I tried it out. As soon as I saw the strip starting to turn purple I knew I was pregnant. Although, I hoped it would change back to white during the five minute waiting time. It didn't. We held each other tight. I guess we were both in total shock. We couldn't believe it had happened. So, we made a cubby house in our lounge room and played and fucked - since we didn't have to worry about that anymore.
I guess from the start that we both knew I was going to have an abortion. We really didn't have any other alternative. I knew that having an abortion would be the only way I could really deal with an unexpected pregnancy, considering my circumstances and family background and the like. I did not want to have a baby at that point in my life. So when I needed to make a decision as to what to do, I guess I was prepared. Still, it was not the easiest decision I have ever had to make.
I was pregnant for almost exactly a month, and during that time I was an emotional mess. Sometimes I would be ecstatic (I loved the feeling of being pregnant and having the knowledge that there was something growing inside of me that could potentially be life).. and sometimes I was a wreck - crying for little reason and getting terribly depressed. Most of the time however, I felt beautiful and strong and loved. The only people I could talk to about my pregnancy and impending abortion at the time, were my lover and my doctor. My lover was always so supportive and totally understanding - he pampered me the whole time! My doctor was also great - she counselled us about our decision and made sure we had thought about it and knew exactly what was gong to happen, including the procedure and the risks involved. The abortion clinic she referred me to was also wonderful.
During the few weeks that I knowlingly carried my baby I grew and learnt so much about myself. And I learnt a lot about love, because right from the start I loved that baby fiercely. We named her tobi, and talked to her and my lover would kiss my tummy where she was growing, and stuff like that. And many times I would wish that we could keep her and watch her grow. I knew that wasn't possible, however, and I always knew that I was doing the right thing. Noone then, and noone now could persuade me otherwise. And even though I wish that I didn't get pregnant in the first place I wouldn't change a thing. I'm so grateful for the whole experience.
My lover and I arrived at the clinic
where we were given a folder containing information about
the procedure and outlining all of the risks involved. I
then went into counselling and after talking with the
counsellor for a while on my own, my lover joined me and
we discussed our decision and the implications a little
more. If they think that you are being forced into an
abortion by your parents, or partner, or if they think
that you are not really prepared to go through with it,
then they will not perform the procedure. We then paid
the $200.00 for the procedure, and it all began (i guess
you could say....)
So the Anesthetist wanted to know whether
I wanted local anesthetic (just numbs the area and you're
awake for the whole procedure and totally aware),
twilight anesthesia (they drug you up to the hilt, and
you're awake, but not really there, and not totally aware
of what is going on) or general anesthesia (they knock
you completely out). I decided upon general anesthesia
since I figured that I'd rather not be even slightly
aware of what was going on or of the people that would be
poking around inside of me. I felt that it would be
easier to deal with. He took my blood pressure and
listened to me nreathe, and then I went back to a very
nice and comfortable waiting room where old movies were
playing and magazines were scattered.
There I chatted to the doctor about the
procedure. She prescribed the medication I would need
afterwards, and I had an ultrasound so that she could
determine the size of the fetus. I wanted to keep the
ultrasound picture, but wasn't allowed. She did point
everything out to me though, which was cool. Then back to
the waiting room again.
So I laid down on the contraption I guess you could call a bed, and had my legs strapped up to some stirrups. The Anesthetist gently inserted a needle into my hand. The nurse said that she liked my ring. And that is all that I can remember.